So much of my life was lived in a state of confusion. Why would the very people who were supposed to be my protectors, my trusted allies, my companions in life hurt me? It defied all logic, and from it, I learnt: life could be a dangerous, demoralizing place.

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However, between the darkness, I also had the good fortune of a belief in something bigger, something I once called God, and now simply think of as a conscious life force ... of SPIRIT ... and that 100% saved my life. I was also blessed with learning surrender through prayer, the power of silent reflection, and the concept of Love with a capital L (Divine).  There were some extraordinary people, my father internally and a few external to home, who role modelled kindness, strength, affection ... and for that I am eternally grateful. But that knowing got clouded over with deep suffering.

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And it didn't stop a dramatic spiral into deep grief, finally let loose at the death of my childhood friend, by suicide; the loss of my sense of identity; and no longer having a place that was home. Life coalesced into a harsh reality check, a wake-up call and I was devastated at 'truth'. I had always known it was there, but I could no longer avoid facing the grief of it. And it was so damn ugly, I sunk into a deep dark sadness, and felt utterly adrift in the world, alleviated through means that weren't helpful. Life got a bit wild for a while, and there were some very dark days.

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I bought self-help books, joined groups, and thought (way too hard and on constant repeat) . ​My first therapist was shocking ... demanding work introductions, revealing confidential information from what should have been my sacred space, and eventually throwing a tantrum when I left.  Again, the world felt like a dangerous place and out of my control. But it taught me one thing. I desperately wanted to get on and live my life, rather than sink into a forever numbness.  ​And so I began my own training as a therapist, so I could heal safely.

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The journey has been long. I've diverted into adjacent paths with material reward, but when I I let life in, I found truly good people, guides and witnesses who helped hold the space for me to heal. I met a wonderful man who became my husband. He knew my faults, my fears, my hurts ... and chose to marry me anyway, as I did him. And as often happens, that safe attachment created another 'crisis of healing' ... that state when you know unconsciously you're safe enough to start to heal deeply carried wounds that surfaced and I had to start to make sense of that which just didn't.  Things came close to ending within our marriage, but we by taking a step back, working on me in relation to us, I have learned ways of navigating differences, and we both are choosing yes again and again. We understood that often the lessons not learned, will only arise again in our next relationship. 

 

I also found work I loved, manifesting my 'perfect' jobs, but eventually realised that external versions of success are not the same or at times even aligned to my version of 'success', my values, or what was remotely important to me. Sure, I could look good in the outside world, be important, travel brag, buy nice things and do cool stuff, but then I thought ... who cares? Do I? And success became a concept I questioned, much more deeply when my grand-daughter was born with CP, and I made truly aligned choices.

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I've also navigated the most excruciating conflicts and betrayals within my family of origin. The patterns laid down from before I was born, have spilled over to a new generation, and I was able to make decisions of choosing wellbeing over toxicity. The courage to not just set boundaries but sustain them, has been huge... and that courage has had a positive impact across multiple domains of my life. 

 

I've rebuilt my identity, and continue to do so, not based on shame or fake remedies (of which I came across a few), but based on building a solid sense of self, grounded in self-efficacy, secure attachments, presence, creativity, emotional regulation, infinite spirit, and physical healing ... knowledge that has transformed me into believing ... 'I am a child of Spirit, and I can handle the ups and downs ... not perfectly, but good enough.'  I know how to be present to blessings, to learnings, to  hope. It doesn't mean I don't suffer. Life isn't like that. Integration - that process of accepting contradictions, integrating opposites towards wholeness, and is not a straight line. But I know how to bring myself back to well-being, and treat life as an experiment, one where I'm learning I can be, do and have a life that which I now deliberately choose, and handle that which I don't choose.

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And even better, I love experiencing healing not just in myself, but also in others. I continue to seek transformational healing, not just counteractive activities, known as the 3rd wave therapies, which prop us up short-term, only to sink us back when we don't keep up the effort, and can be cognitively exhausting. You can be healed, enough. We are always growing and healing towards deeper flourishing. Life doesn't stop presenting you with new challenges (I had a drowning event only recently - yet another existential life quake) but life can be navigated and it doesn't always have to hurt, to exhaust, to diminish your identity.

 

This is what I will help facilitate and work through with you. If you think there's got to be more to life than this .... Here's to you and your ability to feel relief, to trust, to dream, to take action, and to overcome hurt, grief, fear and numbness. To return to who you are truly, authentically here to be.

 

And to know the world is so fortunate to have you in it. And so it is.

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