The journey to healing so often starts all alone and in pain.
But we begin... and that beautiful, blessed loneliness
is the Right of Passage to being in relationship to all of oneself.
And as we stay with the discomfort and remain on the organic, emergent path,
we find guides and allies, who help us understand, navigate and
eventually we transcend the internal and external challenges
to a place of unfolding and flourishing and flowering.
When we finally come home to ourselves ... and
we realise the magnificence, that was always within.
And I am Blessed ...
So much of my life was lived in a state of confusion. Why would the very people who were supposed to be my protectors, my trusted allies, my companions in life hurt me? It defied all logic, and from it, I learnt: life could be a dangerous, demoralizing place.
However, between the darkness, I also had the good fortune of a belief in something bigger, something I once called God, and now simply think of as a conscious life force ... of SPIRIT ... and that 100% saved my life. I was also blessed with learning surrender through prayer, the power of silent reflection, and the concept of Love with a capital L (Divine). There were some extraordinary people, my father ... and a few outside the home who role modelled kindness, strength, affection ... and for that I am eternally grateful. But that knowing got clouded over with deep suffering.
And it didn't stop a dramatic spiral into deep grief, finally let loose at the death of my childhood friend, by suicide; the loss of my sense of identity; and no longer having a place that was home. Life coalesced into a harsh reality check, a wake-up call and I was devastated at 'truth'. I had always known it was there, but I could no longer avoid facing the grief of it. And it was so damn ugly, I sunk into a deep dark sadness, and felt utterly adrift in the world, alleviated through means that weren't helpful. Life got a bit wild for a while, and there were some very dark days.
I bought self-help books, joined groups, and thought (way too hard and on constant repeat) . My first therapist was shocking ... demanding work introductions, revealing confidential information from what should have been my sacred space, and eventually throwing a tantrum when I left. Again, the world felt like a dangerous place and out of my control. But it taught me one thing. I desperately wanted to get on and live my life, rather than sink into a forever numbness. And so I began my own training as a therapist, so I could heal safely.
The journey has been long. I've diverted into adjacent paths with material reward, but when I I let life in, I found truly good people, guides and witnesses who helped hold the space for me to heal. I met a wonderful man who became my husband. He knew my faults, my fears, my hurts ... and chose to marry me anyway, as I did him. And as often happens, that safe attachment created another 'crisis of healing' ... that state when you know unconsciously you're safe enough to start to heal deeply carried wounds that surfaced and I had to start to make sense of that which just didn't. Things came close to ending within our marriage, but by taking a step back, working on me in relation to us, I have learned ways of navigating differences, and we both are choosing yes again and again. We both understood that lessons not learned, may arise again in our next relationship.
I was a striver, manifesting my 'perfect' jobs, but eventually I realised that external versions of 'success' are not the same or at times remotely aligned to my spiritual, internal version of success. Sure, I could look good in the outside world, be important, travel brag, buy nice things and do cool stuff, but then I thought ... things changed when a couple of deep LIFEQUAKES arose ... e.g. when my grand-daughter was born with CP. Then I made truly aligned choices.
I've also navigated the most excruciating conflicts and betrayals within my family of origin. The patterns laid down from before I was born, have spilled over to a new generation, and despite the pain, I was able to make decisions of choosing the safety of wellbeing over dangerous toxicity. The courage to not just set boundaries but sustain them, has been huge... and that courage has had a positive impact across multiple domains of my life.
I've rebuilt my identity, and continue to do so, not based on shame or fake remedies (of which I came across a few), but based on building a solid sense of self, grounded in self-efficacy, secure attachments, presence, creativity, emotional regulation, infinite spirit, therapy and physical healing ... knowledge that has transformed me into believing ... 'I am a child of Spirit, and I can handle the ups and downs ... not perfectly, but good enough.' I know how to be present to blessings, to learnings, to hope.
It doesn't mean I don't suffer. Life isn't like that. Integration - that process of accepting contradictions, integrating opposites towards wholeness, is not a straight line. But I know how to bring myself back to well-being, and treat life as an experiment, one where I'm learning I can be, do and have a life which I deliberately choose despite external constraints, I can't always control. Life doesn't stop presenting you with new challenges (I had a drowning event only recently - an existential crisis) but life can be navigated and it doesn't always have to hurt, to exhaust, to diminish your identity.
I love experiencing healing not just in myself, but in others. Love, Courage, Hope. We are always growing and healing towards deeper flourishing. This is the path I want to work through with you. If you think there's got to be more to life than this .... Here's to you and your ability to feel relief, to trust, to dream, to take action, and to overcome hurt, grief, fear and numbness. To return to who you are truly, authentically here to be.
And to know the world is so fortunate to have you in it. And so it is.
