Virginia Satir's 4 Dimensions of a Nurturing Family

In her book The New Peoplemaking (1988), Virginia Satir, a family therapist, observed the underlying differences between a troubled family and nurturing family. We all wish we were born into a nurturing family, and even if we are, we can express more and less of these characteristics, depending on our history, current capacity, and beliefs.

Here are the four dimensions of a nurturing family she noted:

1) promotes positive self-worth

2) allows safe, open communication

3) permits fitting and flexible family rules

4) open connections & checks boundaries in relationships with others and beyond

Her underlying premise is that each person in a family can think, feel and say ... "I am me and I am okay."

Too often, in fact let's be real, by default, our perceptions of others are shadows of our past, unclosed hurts and fantasies. We are looking now but see yesterday.

So when it comes to communication, we then confuse words with a meaning we've already brought to the table thanks to implicit expectations, and we may also expect someone who loves us to read our minds.

Then we tell ourselves, I'll avoid the threat of rejection using these forms of communication...

1) Placating so they don't get mad. (Evoke guilt so I may be spared)

2) Blaming so it's their fault and I'm in power. (Evoke guilt so they'll obey)

3) Computing making it irrelevant via cool intellectualism. (Evoke envy. They'll be my ally)

4) Distracting so we ignore the threat, pretending its not there. (Evoke fun, thus tolerance)

Such as..."Darling, the kids have to do Judo whether they like or hate it. Everyone must do a sport in this family no matter what" or "Stop worrying about him. Have a glass of wine and let's watch a movie." "Screw you. They were your stupid rules and I never did agree anyway?"

The alternative is Levelling Up ... a self-congruent response, truthful in the moment, delivered with compassion and able to own how we react to their response.

We Level Up by practicing within first. We must practice getting in touch with our true self that is curious, compassionate and is willing to give our internal fears and concerned parts the psychic space to air their needs. So when we blame, placate, or dissociate, which we will do because we are human, we will understand why we do what we do.

We may then go back and repair a relationship, a disrupted interaction. Especially with our children, the ones who Satir says, we are helping to architect a blueprint for life. And let them know, as Eric Berne says, I'm okay, You're okay."

There are troubled families. Those who experience:

1) regular denigration, dismissal or contempt so they believe, "I'm not okay, or at least that part of me isn't." Their pot of self-worth is constantly being diminished. (See article on Exiles)

2) vague, unspoken or indirect communication interactions

3) rigid, indiscriminate, rules that lack attunement to the appropriate needs and wants of a person - "My way or the highway."

4) a closed family system, finding fault thus excluding relevant inputs from the external world - "We don't mix with those kind of people."

As adults, we can be in charge of our own internal self-worth. But we may be unpractised. We may have been taught to expect an external redeemer, such as our partner or children, to make us feel better. However this will inevitably be a fail.

We must create the Self-worth within, with a genuine curiosity of our parts needs, an acceptance of what we are trying to achieve, and actioning it constructively. This internal worth can then be reflected with others, not perfectly but with awareness. We are human, however setting an intention of goodwill, committing to build an internal relationship with our Wise Self, and aiming to live from that place, will set us up for renewing our ability to be in positive relationship with ourselves, others and the world.

“The greatest gift I can give to you is my own personal development.” Virgina Satir